I’ve been thinking about the past lately but not in a “cry over what happened” kind of way, but in that quiet moment when life gives you just enough stillness to admit what you’ve been avoiding.
And here’s the truth that stung me a little the first time I said it out loud:
Maybe the red flags weren’t the problem.
Maybe I just wanted love too badly.
It’s painful to admit that, isn’t it?
Because it forces you to look at the version of you who kept choosing potential over reality, crumbs over consistency, and hope over evidence.
And I know that version all too well.
There was a time when I convinced myself that “trying harder” was a personality trait, that being patient, understanding, forgiving, and endlessly loyal made me a good partner. But if I’m being brutally honest, none of that made me good.
It made me desperate.
Desperate to be chosen.
Desperate to be enough.
Desperate to feel loved, even if it wasn’t the kind of love I deserved.
And when you want love that badly, you will negotiate with things you should have walked away from miles ago.
Red flags weren’t subtle.
They were neon signs.
But sometimes, when your heart is starving, even toxicity starts to look like attention.
I used to wonder how I could’ve missed the signs.
But the truth? I didn’t miss them. I dismissed them.
I told myself:
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“He’s just going through something.”
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“I can help him change.”
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“Love is supposed to be hard, right?”
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“At least he doesn’t leave.”
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“Maybe I’m the problem.”
And looking back, I realize…
I wasn’t blind. I was hopeful. And hope can be dangerous when you place it in the wrong hands.
Why We Ignore What Hurts Us
When you want love too badly, you start treating the bare minimum like a miracle.
You romanticize potential.You cling to the small moments because the big picture is too painful to face.
You stop asking, “Is this good for me?”
And instead you start asking, “How can I make this work?”
Because deep down, you’re scared.
Scared of losing them.
Scared of being alone.
Scared that this might be the best you will ever get.
But here’s the part no one prepares you for:
You weren’t afraid of losing them.
You were afraid of losing the idea of being loved.
There’s a difference. And once you see it, you can’t unsee it.
The Moment Everything Shifted
It took me a long time to realize that wanting love that badly was actually a sign not of weakness, but of hunger.
A hunger for affection, safety, stability, validation, partnership.
Things I should’ve been giving myself but kept outsourcing to people who didn’t have the capacity.
And when you finally learn how to give those things to yourself?
Suddenly red flags aren’t seductive anymore. They’re exhausting.
You stop chasing potential.
You stop glorifying pain.
You stop begging for love that you can now give yourself.
Here’s the part that feels empowering:
Maybe the red flags weren’t the problem.
Maybe the problem was that you kept choosing people to heal a version of you that didn’t feel worthy yet.
And that’s okay.
Because healing isn’t about blaming yourself, it’s about understanding yourself.
What I Know Now
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I no longer negotiate my boundaries.
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I no longer romanticize inconsistency.
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I no longer call disrespect “complicated.”
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I no longer call mistreatment “working things out.”
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I no longer confuse intensity with intimacy.
And most importantly—
I no longer want love so badly that I abandon myself to get it.
That’s the real glow-up.
Not looking better.
Not becoming stronger.
But finally wanting yourself more than you ever wanted someone else’s attention.
So if you’re reading this and it hits a little too close to home, just know:
You didn’t fail because you ignored the red flags.
You were simply trying to fill a void with someone who wasn’t equipped to hold you.
And now?
You get to choose differently.
You get to choose you.
And that, love, is the moment everything starts to change.
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Photo by Kyle Broad on Unsplash